Place Allah in the middle
Asslamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu
Place Allah between you and your spouse in marriage
Place Allah between you and your ex spouse in divorce
In 2004, Allah azza wa jaal who is always Al Kareem, bestowed His Generosity on me by gifting me with a marriage to a man of beautiful character, Allahumma barik.
Allah, in His Perfect Knowledge and Wisdom knew I had to marry this man, in order for my four beautiful children to enter this world and begin their own journeys of life and faith.
As the Imam conducted our marriage contract, Allah – The All Knowing knew that 15 years later in 2019, this marriage would end in divorce.
This may come as a shock to those who know us in the real world. Bar a few close friends and family, we chose to keep our divorce quiet until now. Divorce is an emotionally fragile and intimate time for both parties and any children involved, especially after a marriage of many years. I honour the privacy of my children and their father by keeping the reasons of the divorce private. But I do wish to say a few things.
I married a man of beautiful character. And I am divorced to a man of beautiful character. When we think of divorce – we perceive ugliness, nastiness, pettiness and the like. We see trauma and destruction. We see the two previously married individuals at each other’s throats – fighting over everything and anything. But not every divorce is like that. And nor, in my opinion, should divorce be like that.
I truly believe everything happens for a very specific reason for us. Everything and everyone. There is no person that comes into our lives except that there is a solid reason behind it, planned perfectly by Allah. There is no chapter that begins – except that it was written. And there is no chapter that ends – except that it is where it was meant to end, in order for a new chapter to begin.
Marriage is the coming together of two individuals – to live in love and mercy. Divorce is the end of that coming together but it does not mean compassion, mercy and kindness needs to end with it. In fact, Allah azza wa jaal reminds us in Surah Baqarah, ‘….keep in an acceptable manner or release with good treatment.’ It seems we have forgotten that a chapter can end just as beautifully as it begun. It all boils down to a choice. In the case of divorce, a choice that both parties can choose to take. I am grateful to Allah azza wa jaal that, though it has been difficult, we have both chosen the path to ‘release with good treatment’ not only for our own wellbeing as we traverse new territories, but also for the wellbeing of our four children. Our four children who still tie us together in their right to be parented lovingly.
Now, I get that some divorces are messy and ugly and the behaviour of the ex-husband or ex-wife is just plain foul. I get that it is painful especially if you didn’t want or ask for it. I get that it requires many to go through a grieiving and healing phase as they recount the years of an unhappy or abusive marriage. And all of that raw emotion is natural and okay.
I'd like to draw your attention to something I've learnt.
Whether you have divorced amicably or not, whether you are grieving or not, whether you intiated the divorce or you received the divorce – choose to take one important step.
Place Allah at the centre of it.
Even if the other person isn’t doing that, YOU do it. YOU place Allah at the centre of your divorce.
And when you do this, a number of things happen. You realise nothing happens except by His Will and you develop trust of what has been decreed. You understand that just as you were brought to your ex spouse and they were brought to you; so too you were taken away from your ex spouse and they were taken away from you at the right time for the most perfect reason. Often it takes time to fully realise why, but the why is always good because istikharaa before divorce always leads to what is best.
Everything that happens to us happens because there is good in it for us. Even something painful and final like divorce.
By putting Allah at the centre of a divorce, we realise a marriage has ended but life hasn’t. We realise Allah is still looking at how we treat another believer – even if that believer happens to be our ex spouse. If we’re on the receiving end of ill treatment as a result of divorce, by placing Allah at the centre, we can take comfort in knowing that He sees everything and He is The Most Just – and justice will prevail. If we’re being oppressed, our time will come – so long as we choose to never be the Oppressors - for His Sake and His Sake Alone.
Marriage is the beautiful start of a chapter. Divorce, though not favourable - and I would encourage everyone to give it all that they have to maintain a marriage, can also end beautifully and compassionately.
It’s a choice.
Just like it’s a choice to pray your nawafil salah, just like it’s a choice to fast on a Monday or Thursday.
It’s a choice.
To you who is reading this - whether you’re happily married, in a miserable marriage, happily divorced or in the throws of a nasty divorce – place Allah at the centre of it all. Pass through it knowing that He sees you. And see Him and His Perfect Decree in all of what you're experiencing.
I am grateful for the 15 year chapter Allah blessed me with.
I’d like to end this by asking you to make dua for me, my children and the amazing man I was married to and the amazing man I am now divorced with. Ask Allah to fill us with tawfeeq, rahma and guidance as we all traverse a slightly different path.
Place Him at the centre – with the good, the bad, the beginning of things and the end of things.
Place Him at the centre of it all.
Aliyah Umm Raiyaan