t happens in marriage? Two families unite
Thus whatever our heart thinks our mind keeps on repeating it
And we start acting accordingly
That is why in a marriage we see that Allah has kept a strong reminder
A khutba (sermon) is delivered in a marriage ceremony
And we are reminded those things in that sermon that if we ponder over them
that there are so many people present there, thus it becomes a strong reminder for us
What role do we have to fulfill during this event
This will be our discussion in today's episode
What types of thoughts we should harbor in our hearts
and what should be our focus
So that our family system becomes very strong
For that I have Dr. Farhat Hashmi with me\NPeace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
And along with her is Sr. Yasmeen\NPeace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
So learned Doctor! As we know that when we sit in Nikah, a sermon is delivered
And the same sermon is commonly delivered in all Nikah
which means that there is something special in that sermon
And the advice that we receive so that every married couple may ponder over it
So can you please tell us what should we learn from it and what are the issues to ponder in that sermon?
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
To proceed
I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
"My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech”
We are grateful to Allah for being blessed by a complete Deen
Which has guided us in our every walk of life
And taught us beautifully even about our marriages
It is not that we are just taught only during the Nikah sermon
But even before that,
while fixing the marriage and during the marriage ceremony as well as after the marriage is done
We are taught in detail what are the obligations upon the wife and the husband, their rights over each other
If we examine it we will find all the wisdom in these teachings
upon which, stands the foundation of a successful marriage
If we concentrate on the Nikah sermon, about which you spoke,
we find three verses in it
In them, the commands of observing Taqwa (Piety, Fear of Allah) are reminded four times
O People! Fear Allah
O You Who Believe! Observe Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) of Allah
(Surah 3 Aal-Imran - Verse 102)
Allah commands: O You who Believed!
Fear Allaah! The way He has the right to be feared\NThis means that you should meet your death while you are obeying Allah
Your entire life should be passed while following the commands of Allah
It should end on being a Muslim
Thus we learn that for a successful life
it is essential that a man takes all decisions
as per the commands of Allah and while fearing Allah
Because it is He who has created us and sent us and we will be returning to Him
So if we obey his commands in this life, only then we can be successful
When the foundation of a marriage is on Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) then
a person, fixes marriage in a religious family keeping into mind the commands of Allah
He gives priority to Deen when he fixes his marriage
Abu Hurraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
A woman is married for four reasons:
Her wealth
Her Lineage
Her Beauty
and her Deen
Marry woman on the basis of Deen and be successful
Thus we come to know that for a successful marriage
a lady with Deen,\Nand Deen means not only one who follows ritual Islam
but whose heart has a fear of Allah
Marry such women
Similarly the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave the same instructions to the family of 'bride to be’ too
Whenever you get a proposal from a man
whose religious obligations and character satisfies you then marry your daughter to him
And then you must have the fear of Allah every time
While demanding your rights or giving other people's rights as well as fulfilling your obligations, have Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) of Allah
Once the Prophet (peace be upon him) told Abu Dharr (Allah be pleased with him): I advise you to observe the Taqwa (Piety, Fear of Allah) in secret and in public
Which means fear of Allah should not only be in those issues when people are watching you
In that case it is not the fear of Allah but fear of people that make us act
Even though it may appear to be an act of Religion
Similarly, there are issues which are just between the husband and the wife
Those intimate moments this cannot be seen by anyone except Allah
So even at such times if both of them observes good conduct towards each other
Taking care of each others rights and emotions, only for the sake of Allah
Then it becomes easy to make sacrifices for each other as well as to care of each other
Making the journey of life easy to pass by
In the same way, if a man puts Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) before him, while bringing up his children
So the foundation of their upbringing is very strong, and they too can live a successful life
The fact remains that Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) is the solution to all problems.
(Chapter 65, Verse 2 -3, At-Talaq)
Allah declares, "whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)"
And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine.
Sustenance is not only wealth and property but what a person requires to run his life,
Allah will provide for him in a beautiful way from a place the person could not even imagine
Similarly, it is said in one more place in the Qur’an,
(Chapter 65, Verse 2, At-Talaq)
Whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will cause easiness for him in his every issue.”
Means wherever there is a problem, either between the husband and wife,
or issues between mother in law and daughter in law
Or any hardships that occurs with regards to other relatives, or any hardships in the matter of Rizq (provision) or upbringing of children or any such hurdles in the life of a person
It could be in his plans or projects
If a person tries to do all these acts according to how Allaah wants and
fulfills other people's right through the fear of Allah
Nor snatches away some one's rights, nor deceives anyone, nor does injustice to anyone. Nor suspects someone unnecessarily
Because the person realizes that Allah is watching him, then such things automatically causes easiness in the person's life
This easiness comes from Allah, then his actions turns beautiful because
he is doing his deeds to show his Lord and not to show off to people
Thus there arises that magnificent quality in the person which cannot be cultivated by any other means
Once, Abu Dharr (Allah be pleased with him) requested the Prophet (peace be upon him) to give him some suggestions
The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “I advise you to observe the Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) of Allah.
Because Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) beautifies each and every action of yours
Therefore a married life can be beautiful when its foundations are laid upon the Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) of Allah, and fear of Allah
Thus all the matters can be improved, as I said earlier
(Chapter 33, Verse 70-71 Al-Ahzab)
O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allah and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins.
Normally we observe that many discussions held in marriages are not correct
Sometimes there is an indication of deception; sometimes few things are kept hidden from each other
Sometimes a thing is presented in quite a different form than its origin
Such things, in later life, become a cause of distrustfulness and also cause disputes and tears off relations
It is the promise of Allah that whoever talks correctly, Allah will correct his affairs and his sins will be forgiven
And whoever obeys Allah and his Messenger, will achieve huge success
This success will include Akhira (hereafter) as well as worldly success too
Quite contrary to it, if a person does not fear Allah then, in this situation there is a warning for him too
(Chapter 2, Verse 206, Al-Baqara)
Allah tells us in Qur’an, “And when it is said to him 'Fear Allah’, then his arrogance and dignity drags him to sins”
In other words he makes it an issue of ego and spoils it, for such person Hell is enough and it is a very evil place
How does this happen? In of the Hadith it is said that the Messenger of Allah said, “Allah dislikes that
a person tell another person to fear Allah and he gets a reply, you take care of yourself, I already fear Allah”
It is essential that we should remind about this to each other
and a person should introspect his deeds
Because Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) is connected with the heart of a person
and heart is the center of all thoughts
A man speaks whatever he thinks and many a times he also acts upon whatever he speaks
So the beginning is from a thought and the place for thoughts is in heart, and if hearts possesses the fear of Allah
Then the thinking process will also improve and get corrected\NAnd when thoughts are corrected, In sha Allah even the actions will be alright
So it is essential for all of us that we introspect our lives about our families and other matters too
and check their foundations
Is it for the sake of Allah and love towards Him or out of his fear or remain careless about all these?
May Allah reward you with goodness
We understand that if we harbor Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) in our lives, a lot of our problems can be solved
But Dr. Farhat, I would like to ask you here
As you said, when we advise people they respond by saying, 'You mind your own business
There is a girl and she is married in a family and she is not treated well, she is mistreated there
How should she deal with such situations when she sees that many things done there are to show off to people and nobody values her?
What should she do that she can maintain her own Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) while correcting them and they too get an improved mindset?
The basic point is that every person is responsible for his own deeds but sometimes we clash with them and end up reducing our own value
When we see someone getting extreme with us, we also start thinking of doing the same with them to match their hits
Without being bothered whether those reactions are going to make Allah happy or not, whether they are right or wrong
So in such situations a person should not surrender to the actions of others by wanting to do the same evil treatment as they had been done by others
If he is not good then even I will not be good to him
It is possible that if a person is doing wrong to us yet we can convince him to amend his actions
It is not necessary that the person should only be reminded to fear Allah but do good to him as well
and fulfill his own duties towards him
Along with that, the home of a believer is always enlightened by the knowledge of Deen
It could be possible that a wife may not be able to teach her husband nor can teach her in-laws but
If she makes her own home as a center of learning Deen and teaches her children,
brings them up correctly and also invites others to her home
# Then Insha’Allah (if Allah wills) its blessed impact will not be only upon her but also will set an excellent example upon others
Does it mean that one should give some flexible time to the others for improvement?
Because we see that when a marriage takes place then it is actually a union of two families
And as you were referring to the difference in thinking as the girl is being brought up in a different environment and
When she goes to a different place, that environment the she meets is different so instead of protesting, according to you she should give some time for the things to change?
Time is very important in everything
Sometimes it happens that the other person too is not wrong but we find them wrong
Because that things were not happening according to our will and it takes time to understand each other
Here the Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) of Allah is required when a person tries to see other person’s viewpoint and understand his words
Understand his helplessness and his conditions
Sometimes an attitude from mother in law, it could be that she is not well, or it could be that she is less in knowledge
It could be that she has underwent some hardships in her own life due to which her attitude is of that sort
So if a person discovers why the other person is doing such and such things then he can deal with such situation properly
It can happen that you may not be able to change the person but at least you may learn to adjust yourself with them
Therefore the effort should be in that direction
You spoke about one more thing, qawlan sadeedan (speak right words)\NTruthful words, that things should be said clearly, but
In our society this phrase is misused, in family gathering some declare, “See I speak out whatever is in my heart
And we used knives and swords and all other weapons in the garb of telling truth frankly
They start misbehaving with the other person without considering his age or seniority
We should also know that as a part of Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) how should we talk to someone so how do we balance this “clear heart and frank words”?
We find the Tafseer (explanation) of Qur’an by action in the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him),
who can be more straight in talking than him?
But do we ever find any such incident that while talking straight to people the Prophet (peace be upon him) taunted someone?
But do we ever find any such incident that while talking straight to people the Prophet (peace be upon him) taunted someone?
According to me, straight talking by a person does not mean to give 'face-breaking’ response
If that is the case then one should be prepared to meet the same fate as well
Thus a straight talk means a talk truthful discussion in context with the situation,
which stands upon equality and justice, which has lots of well wishes
It should not have any selfish means or any purpose of hurting or taunting someone
but it should be a correct talk which leads the situation towards righteousness
And not towards harming others
Like it happens that if a wife wants something to get done through her husband
then she taunts him to apply pressure in a different way
Like giving examples of other people's happiness and comparing theirs or even mother in laws
So this should not be happening, rather straight talk is to talk directly to the person concerned
At times it also happens with some people that they want to say something but their manner of speaking is harsh
And they think that people will agree to them if they apply pressure as they say kill the snake without breaking the stick
Such approaches also erects hardships at times you are expecting those things from a person which does not understand only
Especially if such stances are used against males, then issues can end up being more complicated
A person can become a victim of frustration,
in such circumstances if a person can communicate in a very good way and in a correct way then many things can be corrected
Because many a times we don’t communicate effectively, we want something but we convey a different thing
Such approaches cannot solve issues
We must be able to convey our needs in a proper way, and if we are not able to express then get it conveyed by someone else
But one should be straightforward
Dr. Farhat When the boy gets married; it appears that he is sandwiched between his mother and his wife
And he is sometimes pleasing his mother or at times pleasing his wife, so for him what is the best way to a moderate approach in balancing both the women
Like the Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) demands that he should give the right of his mother as well his wife
In our society things have become very difficult situation,
it is just like if you have to please one, it means you are going to displease the other and it should not happen
Now how can Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) help one in fixing the matters and establishing equality?
A person, when he gives the right of his wife, he should do it according to the commands of Allah and only for His sake
And if he is fulfilling the rights of his mother then that too he is doing for the sake of Allah
It is not that he is just doing to please his mother, without any intention of pleasing Allah at all
In such circumstances if a person is doing for the sake of Allah then he will not commit any atrocity on anyone of them
It should not be that a person listens to one side of the story and believes it to be true
For example if his wife tells something against his mother he should not take an instant action till he cross checks it from the other side
Thus Taqwa (Piety, God fearing) teaches a person that he should place everything in order before acting
While listening to you I was thinking about the role of mothers, which is very important
Right from the childhood, she frightens the child from Jinn and Ghosts,
then when she discusses about cleaning the house she focuses more on what people will say
What will someone say if he or she sees your performance?
Or if the child is going to school then fear of teacher, thus developing a fear of an authority
And this along with developing a fear of Allah as well, how should mothers deal with such things?
The mothers must have undergone such things, only then they would be doing it
That’s is why the learning of Deen is essential especially for mothers, rather everybody
No matter how educated she is in worldly matters as it is said,
(Chapter 2, Verse 282, Al-Baqara)
So be afraid of Allah; and Allah teaches you.
He will teach how to deal with different situation and it includes everything that you discussed
Actually most of the problems arise due to lack of Religious knowledge
And about people submitting to rituals, telling us if you don’t do this thing in this way or this work should not be done in this manner
Many a times we spoil our mutual relations because of others
How can we remove such fears from ourselves?
When the fear of Allah settles in the heart of a person more than any other fear,
then the rest of the fears can be driven out
A dominating fear's presences finish off the smaller fears
For example there is a mouse in your room and you are afraid of it
and all of a sudden there is an earthquake, which fear will dominate you at that time?
Thus the small fears will vanish automatically and you will forget that there was a mouse in your room
At that time you will be more concerned about running away to save your life
Our hearts are filled with the fear of people and other worldly things
because of the absence of the real fear which should actually be there
and it comes only via Taqwa (Piety, God fearing)
This fear comes only on the basis of Emaan (faith)
The fear of Allah settles in the heart of a person only when he realizes the Might of Allah
and realizes the fear of accountability before Allah Almighty
When he does not knows Allah properly then the fear of Allah also does not come
Thus in the absence of the fear of Allah, a person than keeps on pleasing others besides Allah
May Allah reward you with goodness
Dear viewers! The most important thing we learnt today was “what will people say?”
As long as we have these small fears in our hearts
We might not be able to get connected to our Lord nor can we establish that peace and security in our homes
Through which our homes can be happily and improve in this world and earn the Akhira (hereafter) too
So we learned today that we have to understand Allah properly and get connected to him, know Allah through his names
We need to know who is Allah, and the more we strengthen our relations with Allah,
The more our dealings and other deeds will be focus on the fact that whatever our actions are, we have to reply our Lord
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings