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Many people around us are seen demanding their own rights
But do not want to fulfill their duties
Everyone says first let me get my rights then I will think what I have to do for others
If we see the Muslim society around us, we will notice a lot of surveys are taking place, in Muslim countries
Which show that the institution of marriage is going down and divorces are increasing
Giving a picture that nobody wants to fulfill their roles and duties
He brings out a long list demanding that I should get what I deserve
But we see that whenever we talk about someone's right or responsibilities
We feel that a person should pay attention towards his responsibilities
And when every person fulfills his own responsibility, then automatically he gets his rights
Whatever things Allah has put around us, including number of talent and skills
We will be questioned about it
Today we will discuss about roles and duties and how a husband and wife can balance it
And what is the balance?
We will understand it from the light of Qur'an and Sunnah
And with me is Dr. Farhat Hashmi
Peace be upon you and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings
And along with me is also Sr. Yasmeen
Peace be upon you and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Dr. Farhat ,kindly solve this issue because
Every person is carrying this banner so kindly inform us
What is a husband supposed to do and what is a wife supposed to do
Peace be upon you and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
To proceed
I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
In the name of Allaah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
"My Lord, expand for me my breast And ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech
Allah The Almighty declares in the Qur'an:
(Arabic Verse) Chapter 2, Verse 228, Al-Baqarah
# "And for the women, it is same upon them whatever the responsibility with goodness is”
Which means, the way men have rights similarly women too have rights
# But remember one thing: (Arabic Verse)
Men has a degree (of seniority) over women
That means, in the empire of the house, man is responsible, he is on top
And the woman is his helper, like if the man is a king of the house then the woman is the queen
And the others, including, children, are the citizens of the Empire
We come to know that rights do not only belong only either to men or women. They belong to both.
In this issue one must not forget that, whatever is a right of others...
is obligatory upon us to be fulfilled
And whatever are our rights, is an obligation upon others to be fulfilled
If we study the universe, we can see that whatever things are working around us...
each has a ‘give and take' rule
For example, unless you don't sow a seed in the earth, it will not grow anything
To receive anything, first a person has to give.
And in a marriage life, success can only be achieved when both the components
Husband and wife, fulfill their own duties and give the rights of the other
In this, if one of them is only concerned about his or her own rights
And not fulfilling his duties and wants to take but does not want to give
In such places there cannot be success or happiness
But when a person gives, he surely gets too
Thus Allah has informed us in the Qur'an, about the duties of both, husband and wife
Even the Hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) has even taught us through his own actions as well
How to fulfill the duties and how to take care of others
# and the foundation of our Deen is on Ihsan (Excellence)
It is mentioned in one of the Hadith where the Prophet (peace be upon him) says,
# (Arabic Hadith)
Allah has prescribed Ihsan (excellence) on everything
This means He has not only commanded equal treatment but encouraged to do better because
# A Believer is also a Mohsin, he does everything excellently
So let see what are the certain rights of wives and husbands as well
Firstly, we will discuss about the rights of women and duties of men
Allah addresses the males in Qur'an
# (Arabic Verse)
Addressed to men: Live with women in a nice manner
During his farewell Hajj, The Prophet (peace be upon him) commanded,
Do remember that your wives have rights over you and you have rights over them.
She is like a prisoner to you
Which means that when a woman leaves everything behind, including her parents and relatives and comes to her Husband's house,
So in a way she is dependent upon her husband and it is the duty of the husband as well
That is why a husband is taught to treat her excellently
The first responsibility that falls upon the husband is that
He spends on the welfare of his wife and he is responsible to do that
# Allah has appointed man as Qawwam over woman and the basic reason is also mentioned\Nthat He spends on his wife
# As it is said Surah Nisa'a, verse 34
Man is Qawwam upon women (he is responsible for women) because
Allah has given a degree over each other that he spends from his wealth on her
Thus the first duty upon husband is that he fulfills his wife's needs and that too happily
It is recorded in a Hadith, quoted by Muawiya (Allah be pleased with him):
O Messenger of Allah! (peace be upon him), What are our rights upon our wives?
He said, "Feed when you eat, when you dress up (or earn) then dress her too”
It means that the basic needs are her rights
In the same way, Abdullah bin Amr (Allah be pleased with him), narrated: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
It is enough for a man to be destroyed that he does not spend upon those whom, his spending is his duty
It will be questioned to the husband on the Day of Judgment, it can be harmful for him if he does not fulfill his duty
There is a Hadith in Sahih Targhib, Ma'z (Allah be pleased with him) narrated,
"The Prophet (peace be upon him) commanded me, he insisted to spend upon the family as per one's capacity.
Whoever has more will spend more and whoever has less will spend less but he has to spend and fulfill his duties
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has also commanded to be excellent in behavior towards the family members specially with wives
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her ) said, The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:
(Arabic Hadith)
The best among you are those who are best towards their families
And among you I am the best towards my family
The parameter for a persons goodness is not how good is he towards others
Or how he good he behaves in the society or what good people speak about him
But how what he does at home and how he deals with his wife
Does his wife give a testimony of his good behavior?
That means the strongest testimonial of his character will come from his family
That is why a person should try to focus and strive in this issue
Besides this, one also needs extreme patience to show a very good character
And sacrifice many of his desires and egos and fulfill his duties like
His wife's Religious learning,
Though there may be many carelessness from the other side yet\NWe are taught that every issue should be dealt with beautiful treatment
There is a narration with regards to this that no Believing man to should harbor any hatred towards another believing woman
This means that a man should not keep grudges against one's wife in his heart
If he dislikes one habit of hers then it could be that he might like another habit of hers
In other words one should not keep on observing her negative traits or wrong habits all the time
But also see her goodness as well
It is mentioned in Tirmidhi that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
The people with most complete faith are those who are very good in character
And the best among you are those who are best towards their wives
It is said about the Prophet (peace be upon him) that he never hit any servant or any woman
That is why it is essential upon a man that he should be patient while correcting his family
And he should not appear harsh or rude nor should he be a dictator for his wife
But a companion and a well-wisher for her who would help her in many of her jobs at home
It is narrated by Aswad (Allah be pleased with him), that he asked Aisha (Allah be pleased with her)\N"What were the activities of the Prophet (peace be upon him) when he was at home?”
She replied that he used to help in domestic chores
He used to stitch his own clothes, stitched his shoes too and at times swept the floor too
Thus he used to cooperate with his wife's domestic work but it does not mean that...
the wives did not work at all but it was a display of care and togetherness
It becomes an excellent example that a person works hard at home and the other person too joins him to help
The Prophet (peace be upon him) set a very good example of it.
He said: Every good thing that you do to your family is a charity by you
Thus helping a wife in domestic work is an act of reward
Yet whenever the Prophet (peace be upon him) was at home he used to be helping his family but
The moment the call for prayer for given he left immediately
Similarly he also said once,
"When a person provides water to his wife then he is rewarded”
An Ansari companion says that after I heard this...
I got up went home and offered water to my wife
And narrated the same Hadith to her as well.
How beautiful are such teachings that generates a lot of mutual love and affection
In the same manner, whenever he was offered food at home, the Prophet (peace be upon him)
He never pointed a defect
If he liked he used to eat it or else he used to leave it
Today so many families are there where food and dietary issues are the reasons for fights
For petty issues people behave rudely to each other
And it is also studied that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to fulfill the permitted desires of his wives too
It is said about Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) that whenever she used to ask for something
The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to fulfill it
In the same manner he used to stand by them when they faced any hardship
For example, Aisha lost her necklace during one of the journey yet the Prophet (peace be upon him) did not scold her
But he stopped the entire caravan to search for her necklace
As long as the necklace was being looked for, the entire caravan waited along with the Prophet (peace be upon him)
Sometimes it can happen that there are some bitter issues between husband and wife, which cause misunderstandings.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) told Aisha (Allah be pleased with her):\NI come to know if you are happy with me or unhappy
She asked: How do you come to know?
He said: I have seen that whenever you are happy with me, you say I swear by your Lord and\Nwhenever you are upset with me, you say I swear by the Lord of Ibrahim
She replied, O Messenger! I just don't take your name but my heart is not empty of love for you
From this we can perceive how the Prophet (peace be upon) maintained his relations with his wives
And they used to love him
There is one more thing, do not keep complaining to the parents of wife
When the wife remains upset or there are some drawbacks in her
Umar bin al khattab (Allah be pleased with him) says:\NOne I was thinking about an issue when my wife told me
"You better deal with this issue like so and so did”
I asked, "Why should you be concerned about such issues”?
# She replied, "O son of Khattab! I am amazed to see your action.\NYou are not even able to tolerate a response to your words
Your daughter Hafsha give back reply to the Prophet (peace be upon him)
One day she even got him angry as well
Hearing this, he got up and wrapped his sheet around him and reached Hafsha's house
He asked, "O my daughter! Do you give back replies to the Messenger of Allah”?
Till such extent that you have even upset him!
She replied, "Yes I swear by Allah that at times I do give back replies”
He said, "Let me caution you about Allah and His Messenger getting upset with you”
It is important to note that
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) never summoned Umar (Allah be pleased with him) and complained to him about his daughter
Nor did he said, teach her, or Ill send her back
The relations between a husband and wife is so beautiful that the Qur'an mentions it "garment for each other”
(Arabic Verse)\N"She is a garment for you and you are a garment for her”
Both are meant to be each others covering\NBoth are meant to beautify each other
Both are meant to be a source of comfort of each other\NBoth of them cover each others faults
And since man is appointed as Qawwam he should initiate to fulfill these responsibilities
Besides this, it is also good for a husband that he should show a good conduct not only towards his wife but also towards his wife's friends and relatives too
Once, the sister of Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her), Hala (Allah be pleased with her) requested a permission to visit the Prophet (peace be upon him)
He recalled her request of meeting Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her)
He was happy to note that it was Hala
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) said, "I felt jealous to see how affectionately the Prophet (peace be upon him) remembered his wife. Though she had died years ago"
Whenever the Prophet used to slaughter a goat or a sheep and distribute their meat
He used to send it to Khadijah's friends too
This shows that if a man, being a qawwam, takes care of his wife's financial needs
Emotional needs and also cares for her relatives then it becomes a source of happiness
On the other hand it should be remembered that just the fulfilling of duties by husband is not enough
While the wife does not fulfill her roles and duties and just want husband to keep doing
In this context, the verse which reminds the man of providing maintenance also reminds the woman of the rights of her man
(Arabic Verse)
First is Obedience of husband in every good command
# In 34th verse of Surah an Nisa'a it is declared that Pious women are those who are obedient to their husbands
They protect the husband's rights what Allah has ordered them to guard
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
When a woman prays five times, fasts in the month of Ramadan, protects her modesty,
And obeys her husband then it will be told to her that
She can enter Jannah from whichever gates she wants to
Such is the huge reward and it is a big test of a woman
At times it becomes difficult for her to obey certain words of her husband
It could be that she finds it against her wishes or benefits
Yet she can make her family life a very happy
Who can understand the personality of a man more than Allah?
He has that feeling of a dominating role
And he wants that he be obeyed and his words be taken as command because\NAllah has made him a qawwam, a responsible person
Thus as long as the position of a responsible person is not acknowledged by his subordinates
As long as he does not get cooperation, till then life cannot be balanced with happiness
Till a person does not accept the position of a person which has been upheld by Allah
Thus it is essential for a woman to surrender herself and obey her husband
And overall it is the command of Allah that even if certain things may not please your heart to obey
But a person obeys taking that obedience as a command of Allah then it can cause a lot of good and blessings in the life
Wherever there is a command of disobeying Allah then it is the right of a woman that\NShe upholds the command of Allah over the command of her husband
But that too should be explained in a beautiful manner while taking him into confidence
It should also be noted that the woman should try her best to serve her husband
It is narrated by Hussain bin Ahsan (Allah be pleased with him) that his paternal aunt visited the Prophet (peace be upon him) for some work
The Prophet (peace be upon him) got her work done and then asked her if she was married?
She said, "Yes”\NThen the Prophet (peace be upon him) inquired from her,
"How is your matter with your husband?”
She replied, "I have never shown any lapse in serving and obeying him, except which is not in my control”
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Just check your status in his sight because he is your paradise or hell”
Thus we come to know that fulfilling these duties which are fixed by Allah is not only beneficial for this life but also life hereafter
And at times if you go against your wish and mood and make Allah happy while furnishing your duties because a blessing for a person
Similarly about pleasing husband, it should not be that one keeps on working like a robot and keeps on obeying and works like a slave
No. that is not the purpose, but the purpose is a healthy relationship between the two
Abu Hurraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that it was asked to the Prophet (peace be upon him)
"Who is a best woman?”
He replied, "A woman who pleases her husband whenever he sees her, when he asks for something to be done she obeys him"
As well in the matter of life and wealth, she will not oppose his choices
In other words she will adjust herself with her husband
It is to be noted that a woman should not take up this obedience as a burden or like a slave but
To perform it happily...That would be better for her
Similarly there is a warning too with regards to such issues
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "The prayers of two types of people do not go even above their heads
A slave who ran away from his master till he returns back and a woman who disobeys her husband till she returns back (to Obedience)
One should take care of certain things like for example if a husband calls his wife for his personal needs
Then in such case she should cooperate with her husband because in situation if a woman refuses to obey without any reasons
Then according to a Hadith in Sahih Muslim, Then one who is in the heavens i.e. Allah, gets displeased\NTill her husband gets pleased with her
It is essential for the wife that if her husband is displeased with her in permitted matters then she must please him
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "The best wives are those who are loving, producing more children
Caring, well-wisher but with the condition that she should have fear of Allah”
Similarly being grateful to husband, to acknowledge his obligations is also a duty of a woman
And if a person looks at the things that he or she has got that will make his or her life happier
Instead of a person craving for things which he or she does not get
Asma bint Yazeed (Allah be pleased with her) said, "Once the Prophet (peace be upon him) passed by me
I was with my friends
He greeted us and advised, "Avoid being ungrateful towards those who oblige you"\NThe pointer was towards being ungrateful towards husband
I asked, "O Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)\NWhat does this being ungrateful towards one who obliges you refer to?”
He explained, "It could be that one among you was at her parents place for a long time
It could have been that she would not get married and stay a life without husband\NBut Allah provides her with a husband and gives children through him
But when she is angry she exclaims, "I have never got any good from you”
I never got anything good from you
In spite of getting everything yet a person emits a few words and nullifies it
Then this wills a statement of ungratefulness and also an attitude of ungratefulness
It is mentioned in Hadith of Sahihul-ain (Bukhari and Muslim) that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
"Allah does not look with Mercy at a woman who is not grateful to her husband though she cannot be independent from him”
Similarly a woman should save herself from being bad mannered and foul mouthed before her husband
Because a good conduct is not only the duty of a husband but also a duty of wife too
Because there cannot be a one sided good conduct nor can it retain for a long time
It is essential for both to cooperate with each other in this matter
In the same way she should not keep nawafil fast without the permission of her husband
This means that she should consult her husband too
Consider this: Allah has commanded that his nawafil worship by a woman should be under the consultations of her husband
Thus you can perceive what the rulings in the other matters are
Similarly if a woman wants to give charity she should take her husband into confidence
In the same way if she wants to go out to do a job or interact with a Non Mahram for a valid purpose
Even then the woman should do it in accordance to her husband's permission
At times he may financially tight or a time could come when he loses his job, loss in business or any such thing can happen
She should not put forth unnecessary demands but be satisfied with whatever little she gets
And if she is able to help him in any way she should do it but\Nit does not mean that the husband should put all his responsibilities upon the shoulder of his wife
Because it would be a big sin upon him that he keeps his hands off the duties towards those whose responsibilities are given to him
Not only this, but she should also show a good behavior even towards the family of her husband
It is a woman who establishes a home and if a woman's contribution is available for her husband then he too can offer good conduct and good dealings towards his own relatives
So these were few basic things that our Religion teaches with regards to the role and duties of husbands and wives
And if we consider them and be concerned about them then there is wisdom in it
Thus if the husband and wife both of them take it as a command of Allah and act upon it\NThen they will be benefited with good in this world and hereafter too
May Allah reward you with goodness
I was listening to you and along with it I was thinking that
Many of us pick up a pad and a paper as we find talks on Rights and Duties very nice
Because we have to pick and choose from it
We have to pick up those points which we can show to our husbands and say to them,
"I heard a lecture today and noted that you are not fulfilling these and these duties”
Instead of fulfilling our duties
How can we develop this temperament in which we point our fingers towards ourselves and be concerned about our own corrections?
Actually one who gives is the one can receive
And we will not be asked about what others have not given you
But we will be asked about how well we performed our duties that were bestowed upon us
And if every person gets concern about the Hadith which says
(Arabic Hadith)
Each one of you is responsible and each one of you will be questioned about his responsibilities
It means that whatever the questions will be put to each one will be about his own duties
And not about his or her rights as to whether he or she received or not
That will be asked to those who are given the duties of fulfilling their rights
That is why we should be worried about ourselves instead of others whether he or she is doing his duty or not
If we just keep on searching for the faults of others and keep taunting them, it is not going to benefit us at all
We cannot fulfill anything nor achieve our goal
Like many a times kids do it in school when their grades are not good they claim that none has performed well
Thus we generalize and put on others
Would you like to ask something?
It means people blame the conditions around them
But how can we bring up children practically in such a way that
The realization of their roles and responsibilities should be ingrained in them
Mostly it is seen that a lecture is conducted before a marriage that a scholar is invited and
The daughters are assembled and that day they are informed about their roles and responsibilities
Can such one day lectures make a difference in them according to you?
Considering their home conditions and all that
How can an environment be created for them where she can be prepared to play her role in her own home later when she establishes it?
The reality is that. In order to accomplish any deed it has to be planned and executed properly
And thus moved further, just one day lecture is not enough for someones upbringing
In this, it is essential for the parents to be an excellent role model themselves
That they display a practical example before their own children right from childhood
As to how duties are fulfilled and how the rights of others are been taken care of
And make them into a person who gives and not just the one who just wants or takes
Normally in this age of materialism every person wants to take and to live in a self-oriented world selfishly with I, me and myself
And he is concerned only about himself
So it is essential for the parents that right from childhood they should let their children do charity with their own hands
Make them one who gives, train them to respect others and whatever we expect from them, we display those things in our own actions
Because any deed that is demonstrated, becomes easy for others to do
If we want our children to respect us then we should demonstrate the same respect to our parents in front of them
And it should not be merely done to show off but it should be done for the sake of Allah
And remember one more thing...nobody can accomplish his duties completely till he does for the sake of Allah
Till he does not have Taqwa (God-consciousness or God-fearing) in him, till he does not have a fear of Allah in him
Till he does not decide that he has to do an act only to please Allah and get a reward from Him only
Till he does not realize that if he does not do his duties properly then there is someone to question him as well
Sometimes the husband is the senior at home but he does not fulfill his duties then nobody can question him
He thinks who can bother me if I don't do this deed? But he should remember that
There is someone who is above him and before whom he has to go and stand and He will be questioning him
And a person must remember that Allah may forgive his rights whomever He wants to except shirk
because He has said that\N He will forgive whomever He wants to but the rights of His slaves?
If someone is a victim of atrocity and unless he does not forgive, till then things cannot be set alright
Thus it is the fear of Allah which makes a man capable of doing his duties properly
Agreed, but there is one more factor when many women say that you have informed me about my duties
And I am fulfilling it since so many years and I am being crushed indicating that I have done everything but
But the husband is not doing anything from his side and has put even his own responsibilities upon me
And I give up. Some of them become a self-victim or she keeps on complaining that
How long can I do this as I have been doing it for past so many years!
So what should we advise them?
Because in reality we do see that there are domestic issues or some other issues that pop up in their lives
If you have observed, even the proper upbringing of men is done by woman
Men are brought up on the lap of mothers right from their babyhood therefore I feel
It is the duty of every mother that she trains her children to be strongly adaptable and get them into the habit of fulfilling their duties
And even if due to some reasons a man is not able to fulfill his duties and it happens at times that
A woman may not be able to get her rights and the other family members may not be able to contribute
In such circumstance, the role of the entire family which includes the parents of the girl as well as the boy,
If there is any dispute between the couple, the seniors of the families should interfere
And do justice as the Qur'an declares that
(Arabic Verse)
There should be an arbitrator from the girls side and one from the boys side should be present
And they sit together and solve the dispute because
At times it is due to mismatch of temperament and at times due to lack of fear of Allah
And also due to other reasons, when a woman is burdened by double responsibilities
Or more work is expected from her which is beyond her capacity and this too is a form of injustice
Atrocity may be upon any one, it could be upon a wife, or in laws or any family member,
But on the day of Qiyamah (day of judgment) the recompense of it will be very strict\NThey will be accounted before Allah
One more thing is very common, that a there is a wife or a husband who have studied the duties appointed by Allah upon them
But people claim that they fulfill more duties than they are given and expect more in return
A working woman may say, "Since I am doing my job, (like many women who are going out of their homes to work and earn)
So such woman may say, "If I am working and earning then why should I listen to him and obey him, let him cook too"
Let him too work in kitchen along with me; let him take up 50% of child care”
This trend of 50-50 that has begun now, like a man may say,
"Now since you are educated so you too earn and share the bills”
This is a strange scenario
These are some foreign ideologies which have penetrated in our society
There is nothing like this in Islam, rather this relations should be based upon mutual understanding
Both of them should consider a house as a home and the benefit caused to the wife is a benefit caused to husband too
And similarly the loss caused to the wife also causes loss to the husband
So if a husband over burdens his wife then he too will share the loss equally
Because she cannot carry too much of burden and then her own rights will be affected
Similarly it is vice versa, that if a wife forces her husband to do more than his capacity then
Then she will also have to bear and share the consequences of it
So we understand that both of them have to cooperate with each other
Then under every circumstance we should keep in mind that we are Muslims
And a Muslim is supposed to pass his life according to the will of Allah
And not according to ones own philosophy, desire or logic
That comes out from ones own mind and is hammered upon others
Or one goes to a friend and talks about her issues and receives so much sympathy that
And who appreciates her decision which one accepts it happily
It is essential to save ones self from such things
It happens that boys and girls consult their friends most of the time instead of taking advice from their parents and seniors
It is observed that such outsiders give them advice's which causes more heat in their homes
So is it not necessary what no matter what hardships or crises come, we must confide in our elders rather than involving our mutual friends
With regards to counseling there are two things to be kept in mind
Firstly, advice should be sought from a person who is matured and competent enough to give a sound advice
Secondly, counseling should be taken from a person of knowledge
Because taking advice from anyone and everyone or from someone who will advise as per what we want to be advised
Or one who talks from our advantage is also a sort of injustice
So such advice will not benefit because the actions based upon such advice may not be correct and the decision taken upon such advice
Will not produce correct result and the crises cannot be solved
May Allah reward you with goodness
So viewers! What did we understand?
We hear the slogans of gender discrimination
It appears that our religion says that there is a difference between the genders
Do discriminate, let a man fulfill his role and woman fulfill her role
And let them both complement each other
When each of them will focus on their own duties\NThe other person will automatically get his rights
And here we also learn that every duty that we fulfill is a due right that reaches to others
And we must pay attention towards our own roles and duties
Peace be upon you and the Mercy of Allaah and His blessings