d include others in it too
So if we have to define a person then there are two situations to view from
The first situation is when a person does not have anything or there is something which is slipping out of his hands
And how patiently he bears it
The second situation is when he is in a position of authority
or he possesses a lot of comfort and it is here that his attitude is seen and his dealing with others is observed
It is from here that we come to know about the person
Our elders have always taught us
how to keep our reactions very positive no matter what the situation is
And the most important ethic that was taught to us was Sabr (patience), to observe Sabr (patience)
Today we will discuss about Sabr (patience)
How a husband and a wife, who are the foundation of a family,
can together make their life successful
Just on the basis of this excellent quality
With me is Dr. Farhat Hashmi our guest
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
And with me is also our guest sister Yasmeen
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Dr. Farhat, today we would like to know from you about
about those hardships and difficulties that comes in marriage life and if we have Sabr in us
how can this Sabr (patience) help us in making our life successful
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
To proceed
I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech
For the success of a marriage life, Sabr (patience) is the most important thing
which also happens to be a need of a persons every day life and every nook and corner of life
This life is a test and Allah has created this world as a place for test
As Allah mentions in the Qur'an:
(Arabic Verse)
He who has created death and life to test who is the best among you in deeds
In order to run a good life or to be a good person it is extremely essential
that a person possesses Sabr (patience)
Sabr (patience) means that a person saves himself from
a negative attitude during bad situations
he waits and stops himself
and control his nafs as well as control his tongue
and keep his matters according to the will of Allah
Life is a test and Allah declares in the Qur'an
(Arabic Verse)
We shall certainly test you with fear, hunger, loss in wealth, self and fruits,
but give glad tidings to those who bear with Sabr (patience)
Thus we learn that in the life of a person at times
there will be fear, fear of losing job
or death of someone dear
loss in health
sometimes it may be hunger or financial crises
Shortage wealth and loss of lives
a spouse may die or a child may die or even a close friend may die
Similarly loss in fruits which means shortage in rizq (sustenance) or no child
All these situations demands that a person
should observe Sabr (patience) during such situations
Because whoever observes Sabr (patience), for him is glad tiding
that Allah will set his matters straight in this world
as well as in hereafter too he has lots of benefits
Thus a human being is also a test for another fellow human being
As Allah mentions in the Surah al Furqan
(Arabic Verse)
that “we have made some from you as a test for others,"
which means, a human being is a test for other fellow human being and this includes almost all
all thus the verse says further, “will you bear with Sabr (patience)?"
It means that if you want to deal with someone in proper way and pass a happy life...
with that person, then the key for it is to be patient with them
You can see that at times parents are a test for children due their attitude
whereas the children are already said to be a Fitan (tribulation) in the Qur'an
As it is children are tests, in the same even husband and wife are also a test for each other
and source for tests
And while living together when the couple takes benefit from each others goodness
it is also essential to bear patiently the difficulties that come from each other
Because if a person does not observe Sabr (patience) then he cannot be a beneficiary of some one's goodness as well
No person is completely evil
or a compilation of evil without any sort of goodness in him
It is a different thing that some people possess more goodness for others
and some are dominated by evil
But in both the cases, every person does possess goodness in him
and a person can get benefit out of that goodness only when he has a stamina of patience in him
and he deals with the hardships that comes from others
in a very patient manner
He stops himself, waits and understands the weakness of others
and gives them a space at times and benefit of doubt at times
And keeps himself pleased by somehow or other so that during such incidents
no word should come out of his tongue that can make matter worse
But patience is only possible when faith is strong
as it is mentioned in Hadith that bearing with patience and overlooking (faults of others) is a bountiful faith
The stronger, the more and better the faith
the more will be the spirit of patience in a person
The situation of a Believer is explained in a Hadith in his way,
The Prophet (peace be upon him said, the plight of the Believer is wonderful
Each of his matter is a source of benefit for him
and this is applicable to nobody except to the Believers
He is grateful when he gets something pleasant and it is good for him,
and if harm reaches him then he bears with patience
and it also become a source of goodness for him
Which means that even in pleasant times a believer earns reward by being grateful
and if hit by harm even then he earns reward through observing Sabr (patience)
Then Sabr (patience) is something that has to come,
and a person does not achieve Sabr (patience) till he learn to observe it
It means that he has to be firm in deciding and has to groom himself for patience
And at times and places where a person acts impatiently or in haste,
he has to make himself strong
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
Whatever amount of hardship arrives, the Help of Allah also arrives in the same amount
This means that when someone observes Sabr (patience)
the more difficulties he tolerates
the more reward he is getting from Allah Almighty
The harder the difficulty, the more inspiration for Sabr (patience) from Allah
Every human is being tested, but every person faces a different test
similarly some people face small and easy test whereas some face bigger and more difficult tests
Thus when a person faces a big difficulty and he decides for Sabr (patience)
then Allah provides him inspiration for patience too
In the same manner, the amount of hardships he faces,
the same amount of help he receives from Allah
It also qualifies him to get inspiration to observe patience
It is mentioned in the Hadith
(Arabic Hadith)
Whoever observes Sabr (patience), Allah bestows Sabr (patience) upon him
Sometimes many of us speak up
"No more patience can I observe now"
If you want to observe Sabr (patience) you can, there is no limit
It is told in the Qur'an:
(Arabic Verse)
"O you who Believe! Seek help with Sabr (patience) and Salah (prayers)
Indeed Allah is with those who are patient."
It says Allah is their helper and here, Sabr (patience) and Salah (prayer) both are mentioned together
Salah, that is prayers, how long are we supposed to offer?
Till the last day of our life
In the same manner, how long should we hold to Sabr (patience)?
Till the end of the life
A person may fall sick
or sometimes he undergoes difficulties due to his children, sometimes from husband, sometimes in business
Thus tests will be arriving, one after another,
that is why Sabr (patience) has to be observed till the end
Without this, a person cannot achieve high status
The Prophet (peace be upon him) have said:
“I do not find any larger sustenance in you besides Sabr (patience)"
That means the biggest provision that a person can get,
that which becomes a source for his success and a guarantee for success
is only Sabr (patience)
It is mentioned in Sahih Muslim that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
(Arabic Hadith)
“Nobody has been bestowed a better gift...
that is better and larger than Sabr (patience)"
That means that among all the blessings and bounties that a person gets,
the best is that he gets inspiration to have patience
So those who observe patience are very lucky indeed
And they bear patiently for the sake of their Lord.
at times we find ourselves observing patience for a temporary benefit
Like controlling reaction thinking that if I react I may miss out those benefits and profits
But all these things are temporary on which a person can observe Sabr (patience)
But a person who observes Sabr (patience) for the sake of Allah
and firmly believes
that he will be getting immense reward for it
Such can hold to patience
as it is mentioned in the Qur'an that
(Arabic Verse)
“Those who hold to patience will get immeasurable reward"
This means that the reward is unlimited
For the other deeds the amount of rewards are mentioned
For example, if you do such and such thing you get ten times the rewards
but the reward to hold on to patience is so much that it cannot be measure by any one
A person cannot even perceive how much reward he will get
On the other hand if a person does not hold to patience
then there is no loss bigger than it
It is not about a choice that we may observe patience only if we want to, otherwise no
(Arabic Verse)
By the token of the Time. Verily mankind is in loss
except those who believe, and do good deeds,
exhorts to truth and exhorts to Sabr (patience)
Thus those who teach patience to others
can only be saved from loss
but who can exhort others to hold to patience?
Except he who himself is holding to patience
How can a person who himself is not habituated to hold to patience,
hope others to obey him and observe Sabr (patience)?
Thus the person who exhorts should himself display an example
because automatically it will be evident that unless a person does not hold to patience
He cannot achieve success
Therefore, for a successful marital life, a big key is
to hold to patience in different conditions, different situations and different conversations
And faces a person of negative attitude with an excellent behavior
as the Qur'an also mentions
(Arabic Verse)
“Drive away evil with that which is better...
and you will see that the person with whom there was an enmity
will turn into your fast friend"
It means there will be love generated between you,
but what happens is that at times, we respond an evil from someone with harsher evil
Which ends up with situation getting worse
On the other hand, if a person holds to patience
while handling his matters then the same enmity, same oppositions
will be transformed into love and friendship and situation will change
and this is a promise of Allah
In the same way those who observe Sabr (patience) for the sake of Allah,
that they may be able to see Allah on the day of judgment
For such people, the home of the hereafter is excellent
excellent and such people receive Allah's help even in this world
And they are bestowed with immense goodness
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said
“Remember that, there is a lot of goodness in holding to patience during events that are not in favor"
This is because the Help of Allah is with Sabr (patience),
and if we desire that our situation should ease, people should be our support
So in that situation he should hold to patience because
only if he holds to patience he can achieve good character
Only if he observes patience only then he can be productive,
only if he observes patience only then he can deserve for some jobs
Otherwise if a person gets upset and angry on petty issues
and displays bad character and bad manners in his attitude
In such circumstances there is no increase in his honor
nor does his condition changes
Nor does he get help from anyone because normally people fear such a person
that's why they keep a distance from him and avoid even discussing with him
Because people cannot predict what kind of response might they get from him
That is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) said
“Whoever is a victim of atrocity and he bears it
then Allah will increase his honor"
Thus it is not the other way around that a person who observes Sabr (patience) will lose his honor
honor or people might finish him by thinking him to be weak
Nay, but Allah puts love in the hearts of others
and his status near Allah is also very high
It is a separate thing that tests takes their own time to get over
and with every hardship is easiness
Sometime it happens that the person has a special status in the sight of Allah,
a position that Allah will be giving him
But the person may not have those deeds
through which he can reach those positions,
so Allah gets him occupied in some test through his health, wealth or children
And he pours Sabr (patience) upon him as well
until he reaches that high position which has been decided for him
Thus if Allah has put you in any difficult situation,
Allah wants a special role to be played you
Allah wants a special role to be played you
because many a times it happens
that in normal times we are not able to get full benefits out of our own selves
We show laziness, we waste our time
times and we could have done a lot of things in our life but we do not do it
Our attention do not even go towards those potentials
at times we can beautify our worship, or bring humbleness in our supplications
but we fail to do so because there is not examination upon us
But you must have seen from your experience
that the moment a person undergoes a harsh situation
he wakes up and he cannot remain asleep
This increases his amount of supplications along with his worship and charity
There develops a gentleness like in the heart of a person who has undergone a heart break
Then if a person holds to patience during such circumstances
then he can discover hidden talents and efficiencies in him
and channelize them in a very good manner
And he is able to perform in such a way
that would not have been possible for him in normal circumstances
And if a person is certain that
the help of Allah arrives during Sabr (patience)
then it becomes easy for a person to hold to patience during the difficulties caused by others
It becomes easy for him to hold to Sabr (patience) under all types of difficulties
until he is able to bear with patience towards the deceptive plans of others as well
Just like the way how Yaqub (peace be upon him)
bore the patience of the lieful plans of his own sons who,
after throwing away Yusuf into the well and informed him that a wolf has eaten him up
In the way, if a person holds to patience when he runs short of provisions
provisions because he is certain that his Lord does exists, one who will provide him the provision
And will also correct his affairs thus good hope,
trusting Allah makes a person habituated in Sabr (patience)
These are few things if a person considers them properly
then no matter how hard and difficult the situations arises
yet he can develop an attitude of Sabr (patience)
including in his family life as well
May Allah reward you with goodness
I would like to ask you that when we talk about Sabr (patience)
we see in the managements of our families
that the moment the word Sabr (patience) comes up
The first thing that comes in mind is the girl,
that this is the girl who has to do Sabr (patience)
and Sabr (patience) is for her a trophy which she is expected to win and take back home
So should only the girl has to hold on to patience or
should the other family members too have to contribute in it as well?
Sabr (patience) is meant for everyone. Nowhere in the Qur'an is it instructed
that only a female has to hold to patience
or only a wife has to observe Sabr (patience)
Or only a mother has to hold fast to Sabr (patience), rather patience is for everyone
every relation has some or other drawback
Like for a mother who is now a mother in law
a girl who has arrived in her house from a new place
where there is a different upbringing as she has been grown up in a place with different environment
Her likes, interests are different,
thus she needs a time to adapt after arriving in her house
If the in-laws, i.e. husband, mother or father in law,
deal with Sabr (patience) and give her time to adjust
and overlook many of her habits which they dislike
Because in reality it may not be disliked
Thus in such circumstances it is easy to establish a family
but if a person carries in his mind some impractical expectations
about the behavior of the arriving girl
But that does not happen in reality and the person then gets into an extreme attitude
thus many a times it happens that the marriage reaches
to the threshold of divorce within a little time
But a person should always think if divorce is actual a solution for problems?
Does the life of the person become happier after a divorce?
Does post-divorce life solves all the problems of a person?
Does driving a daughter in law out of the house bring peace and happiness in house?
Or whether if a daughter in law leaves the house will the gates of goodness be opened for her?
Or does it cause easiness for the husband?
Then who benefits the most in this case?
Sometimes a person exclaims that he cannot do Sabr (patient) anymore
but he should think that by leaving Sabr (patience)
even then he has to undergo a patient time
It happens that the hardships that follow
it might be multiple times bigger than the previous one
So the person does not have a third option
so he has to adopt any one of the two options
And whichever option he adopts
he should see which of the two has more goodness and bliss
But he or she has to undergo Sabr (patience), either way
You spoke about the mother in law but can you shed some lights on certain areas
where even the husband should also adopt Sabr (patience)
You may see that these issues are not big ones
but small issues which makes a person upset
For the sake of saying men are called stronger
but at times they are not able to tolerate petty things
Some drawback in cooking meals, for example,
he compares his wife's cooking habit with his mother's style,
and feels that the news comer is not able to cook properly
But the reality is that a lady who has an experience of cooking for thirty-forty years
cannot be matched with a new comer
Firstly there should be no such comparison and
secondly these are not the issues where a person should devalue the other person
upon shortcomings in few things
Sometimes there is a difference in temperament
and he or she expects that the other person should also like what I like
It could be that you may find something funny to laugh at but he or she may not find it funny
So there is no need to get upset on such issues
but accept the fact that every person has his or her own temperament and choice
The way I have a right to have my own choice in the same way i should also give the other person a right to choose
And such cases should not be turned into big issues
I have seen many cases when I try to investigate as to why did the divorce took place
I have discovered that those were petty issues on which the quarrels began
and it reached the point of break off and the girl is kicked out of the house
and left out without shelter
Thus due to lack of Sabr (patience) and tolerance
tolerance a person reaches on the edge of huge loss
and then the person makes it an issue of ego
Once I have said something I cannot take back my words
when I have said, “Get Out" then how can I take you back?
Or the girl may say, now that I am driven out why should I go back?
What do you think about the role of the parents of girl?
Because when their daughter has gone to a new place
and if something unwanted happens and the news reach their ears
In such circumstances what guidance should the parents give their daughter?
When parents depart their daughter once,
then they should put their trust in Allah
and the girl should also take her new house as her own
Her goodness, her errors her shortcomings...
everything now is hers and if there are any drawbacks
that she finds then it is not upon the parents but her destiny whatever she get
So in such matters if she keeps telling her parents everything
everything that happens or get them involved in her matters can end up into a loss
And sometimes in the name of getting suggestion or getting away from frustration
she shares with her well-wishers
so it is better than one hold to patience and wait for sometime
And it is also better to sit with the person (with whom she has differences)
and talk it out among themselves
And the parents too should not spy around nor should pursue and keep on inquiring
and now that the sources of communications have grown more in numbers, mobile phones, whatsapp
The availability of such apps does not mean the person should keep on inquiring
about what was cooked and what was the meal etc., where did you go and who came and what did you do etc.
All these discussions are futile
and besides evil there is no other result of such things
It means that the parents should tell their daughter that now this is your house
and you need to adjust and adapt
In other words, the life support should be lessened
And the girl must be encouraged that she has to be happy over there and with them
Surely, the Parents should adopt the attitude (Arabic Verse)
Exhort to truth (explain the truth) and exhort to patience, or else they can't avoid loss
And whatever Allah says is truth
And to keep the information about their in-laws covered
it is a trust that discussions should not take place about the family of in-laws in the mother's house
Otherwise it can damage the trust and confidence as well
I understand is that the personal things between the husband and the wife
wife should not reach the parents of girls as well as the parents of boys too
Nor should the mother of the boy keep on inquiring about
the conversations between the husband and the wife
trying to dig out, “what does the girl say to you" or “what did you say to the girl"
Or “how does she deal with you" etc
rather both of them should be given to time to adapt with each other
Because it happens that both the parents play a role in damaging the family life of their children
There is one more issue that comes before us,
like the women complain that the husband is not even providing her expenses
and life is going very tough and he hits her or harasses her
she says how long can I hold to patience
and I cannot carry any more and my mind is totally distressed
What can we suggest to such women?
he fact remains that at times there are real difficulties,
but if we keep on focusing on these difficulties and avoid focusing on solution
then this cannot solve the difficulties
Just remaining a victim of self-pity and consider oneself as a victim of atrocity
ignoring those blessings that they have
In such cases a person creates difficulties for his own self
It is accepted that there are difficulties
but the Qur'an reminds twice in Surah Sharah
(Arabic Verse)
That with every difficulty there is an ease, verily with every difficulty there is an ease
it does not say “after a difficulty" but it says “with a difficulty"
Wherever you are a victim of any difficulty, then there are around good things as well
and if you put your sight on the blessings
certainly you will find them more
As compared to those difficulties
which you have been carrying on your head
And always worrying about them
without finding the solutions,
neither you are praying to Allah nor are you consulting people
In such circumstances a person has to change his own attitude
and come out of self-pity
It is seen at times that if you hear about the suffering
of those maid and domestic workers who come to our houses
we can realize that we can learn more lessons of Sabr (patience) from their lives
In most cases their men do not earn
whereas these females earn as well as bring up children as well
If we observe them, they have more substance of patience
patience as compared to the elite crowd who have more haste
If you see what our Religion has taught us is the same what you are saying
in the matter of worldly things see the people who have lesser than you
Therefore when you find life miserable then look at those whose life is more miserable than yours
In the matter of religion see the one who are higher than you
and find what good qualities they have to be good human and we too should possess them
And try to work upon good deeds and move ahead
Thus when a person ponders upon such things
so find one's own difficulties lessening
Once someone accused the Prophet (peace be upon him)
and said that he did not distribute the spoils of war in a just manner
When the person said this, the Prophet was pained
and anger was displayed on his face
face but he did not say a word except that,
“May Allah show Mercy upon Musa (peace be upon him)
who was given more pain than this yet he bore with patience"
So what do we see in the response of the Prophet (peace be upon him)?
That when you are faced with hurtful words
you do not reply with words of contempt
He did not even talk of other things
but recalled Prophet Musa (peace be upon him)
who was very much pained by Bani Israel (people of Israel)
Thus in such situation a person
person should recall the examples of those
who have more difficulties upon them than us
and yet they are surviving
then Insha'Allah things will be eased
There are cases in our society where
marriages have not taken place at the right age,
and now they don't even have those potentially good proposals for marriage.
In such circumstances a person is overpowered by a lot of impatience
Or a divorce has taken place
for a male or female
and at that time there is always a display of impatience and haste
So what should we advise to for people who are passing through such trauma
so that they can hold to patience?
People should remember one thing that impatience will not solve problems
problems like some people try to harm themselves or suicide
Indulging in self harm or some people cutting their wrists
in order to display their frustration
somehow, none of such methods can ever solve problems
In such situation a person should
wait and assure himself that
“I have got this life only once
and it is a field for life hereafter and I should sow something here
If I am unable to do one thing
and am deprived of one blessing then let me use
and benefit from those blessings which I am bestowed with
One should occupy himself with some beneficial or productive work
to divert my attention
When a person keeps his focus stuck on just one thing day and night
then this does not solve his problems
but he gets slipped into more pain and difficulties
I have seen that people too play a big role in such situations
that when you are trying to bring yourself back to the frame of normalcy and urge yourself to hold to Sabr (patience)
Hoping goodness and bliss in it from Allah
say to yourself that I have to hold on to Sabr (patience)
But some people around you do not allow you to observe Sabr (patience)
therefore people who are like us,
who when we see such people in our families or relatives
So how should we deal during such situations
in order to stop people getting impatience?
In fact we ourselves give opportunity to others to talk about us
and dig out information's from us
but if we are occupied in any beneficial deed
without narrating our painful stories to each and every one
So people also get less chance to pour oil on our burns
I think though we can't change the world at least we can change our own selves;
we can't stop anyone from thinking about us
But we can sure change ourselves and decide how to display ourselves
as to how people should view us and what should they talk about us
If you have to sum up in one sentence for the daughters
as to whenever there is an issue at home that should be done so that
the issue may neither be stretched nor erupt
So what would be your advice?
At that time one should think that this time too will pass away
no situation remains same always
There may have been an eruption of lava regarding any issue
a very bad situation may have been developed but this situation will not always remain as it is
Rather it will be changed soon, I just have to wait
It is better that the person observes silence
Yes, observe silence and whatever is better attitude according to the situation
should be adopted but not to lose hope
From what age should we teach our children to hold to Sabr (patience)
because we don't see Sabr in our surrounding
and everyone appears to be stuck on fast track, fast lane and fast food
And we see that impatience is on extreme
and it is still continuing
We see that sahabiyat used to make their children observe fast as well,
prevented them from food at times, as we find in the book of Hadith
That at times they used to make woolen toys for them to play but did not make food for them
thus in our Deen we have to make children work for achieving Sabr (patience)
For example fasting in the month of Ramadan stops person from eating and drinking
for an entire month and control his desires
So I understand that applying different rules, at times by preventing them from certain things
they should be made to develop habit of holding patience
Every demand should not be fulfilled
like accepting everything that they say
“O my Son! He should not be unhappy nor in difficulty"
Rather, there should be some rules to be setup and life should be governed accordingly
Yes at times we pamper our children and make them sensitive
sensitive that they become very demanding, even when we go to someone else house
Our mothers used to say, “You have to go to someone else's house
so change your temperament and
learn certain truth that you have to go and settle in someone else's house
I think the conditioning of the mind
mind right from childhood is essential which plays a very important role
May Allah reward you with goodness
So what did we understand?
That, while managing a family in order to bring happiness and peace
we should not make every issue a breaking news
The problem with us is that we want others to know that big news has arrived
and hope everyone to read it and analyze it
And have repeated programs on it
and we bring their highlights again and again
So what we have to remember that Sabr is such a quality
which we have to establish in us
This will bring a consistency in our temperament
This will make us use our emotions in a right manner
and channelize them in a right direction
And how does this happen?
As our learned Dr. Farhat informed us that it happens through continuous efforts
And each one of us should pray with complete khuloos (sincerity) and ask Allah
and if we ask Allah then it will Insha'Allah come in our lives
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings