o;!
And we call it 'Me Phobia”
which means I, I, I
And our "I” gets us into mess everywhere
And when we talk about marital life, this "I” erects a lot of hurdles for us.
And whenever unhealthy ego enters a family life,
unless we repair it or correct it, our issues cannot be sorted.
And it is essential to understand this
As they say, a tree bearing fruits always bend,
therefore wherever there is a shortage of knowledge
and wherever there is a shortage of implementing that knowledge,
then there will be a rise of arrogance, ego, which will destroy the family.
So today we will discuss about this and see how to correct this attitude in order to save our families
And with me is Dr. Farhat Hashmi
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
And with us is also Sr. Yasmeen
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Dr. kindly guide us, this issue is becoming is domestic problem in every home
that every person clings to his 'I’ and not willing to solve any problem.
Rather, sometimes in reality there is no such issue at all,
but it appears mountainous due to ego.
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
To proceed
I seek refuge with Allaah from Shaytaan (Satan), the outcast (the cursed one)
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech
Among those things that harms a person the most,
the biggest harm is his pride, arrogance, ego
It is evidently seen that Iblis was destroyed by his own ego
when he said, "I am better than him (Adam)”
(Arabic)
"You created me from fire and created him from clay”
Thus according to him, 'Fire was stronger and better than the clay from which man was created’
Therefore because of this ego and arrogance,
Iblis did not accept his mistake,
thus he invited the wrath of Allah upon himself
And was rejected forever.
Iblis puts a lot of efforts to instigate this emotion in human beings
and develop pride and arrogance in human beings.
Normally, those things due to which pride swells in human beings
or makes him consider himself to be great, are:
His immense knowledge,
His large amount of worship,
His beauty,
as well as other qualities
Iblis was also one who worshiped a lot
and was also a friend of the Angels
but when pride entered
then his worship could not be useful to him
His worship was only a display of actions
but when we study about the situation when the Angels replied
to Allah’s announcement, "Indeed I will send a khalifa on the earth”
The Angels did put forth their views
but when they came to know the purpose,
they accepted that they lacked knowledge.
And said, "We do not know except whatever you have taught us”
Thus, there is a character that belongs to the Angels, and the other is that of Iblis
In our day to day life, for any person, be it a male or a female, old or young,
If they realize that he is more intelligent than others, more knowledgeable than others
and possess more efficiency, more wealth, more beauty or "I" am better than others
And he considers others lower in grade than him,
and then mostly he is not willing to listen to them
He does not compromise, nor is he compassionate,
does not consult them,
and these are the essential basics of making a family life happy.
Because the individual dealings as well the collective dealings of the people of faith run on mutual consultations.
Though the Prophet (peace be upon him) was blessed with a high position of Prophethood and Messengership
Yet he was commanded by Allah to consult his companions in different matters.
and the relevant verse was revealed during the battle of Uhud
when the companions made a grave mistake and had to face a huge loss as a result of it.
But in spite of their mistake,
the Prophet (peace be upon him) was commanded to consult them.
In the same way, if a family life is lived along mutual consultation, love and affection then it can be very happy.
But if any individual amongst them insist
that whatever he said has to be the final word or whatever I say is the best opinion
and my decision has always been the best.
The other individuals, who could be the wife or husband or children or any other members of the family
The person then loses his position in their hearts. This can put an end to mutual love,
and also lead to wrong decisions
Pride & Arrogance throws down a person from the status of being a human.
and leads to the position of Iblis.
Our religion has forbade pride.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"Whoever soul departs while he was free of three things (in whom three of the things are not found)
then he will enter Paradise
From them one is pride, second is debt and third is to steal from public fund.
From this we come to know that if any person departs from this world while he is clean from arrogance
then a lot of luxury is waiting for him ahead.
But to cleanse our heart from arrogance and accept others as your fellow human beings, value them,
though they may be lesser in imaan, knowledge, wealth or status.
And loving them and listening to them attentively,
these are the things that make a house, an example of paradise.
We all know the Hadith which says that whoever possesses pride in his heart, even of the size of a mustard seed,
he will not enter paradise.
Because whoever possess pride, cannot deal with others
in a nice way because he himself is a seeker of attention and puts his weight upon others unduly
And he is always trying to prove his greatness then he can neither give love nor accept love.
Why can't he give love? because of his arrogant attitude
And why can't he accept love? because whoever considers himself greater than others
cannot be great in the sight of others because people do not respect him nor love him.
Out of fear they may not speak to him face to face or dare to correct him.
Therefore it is essential that a person should see his errors, keep an eye on his drawbacks & weaknesses.
So that pride & arrogance does not develop in him.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has also said,
"Should I not inform you about the dwellers of hell?”
And continued, "They are the ones who have a bad nature,
keep grudges in hearts
and is arrogant”
This means that he considers himself to be a great
The most common trait that includes in the list of the people of the hell
are those who are arrogant.
The best traits of the people of paradise or the qualities of the people entering paradise
will be those who are weak and helpless in other words, they will be humble.
They will not consider themselves to be great,
In the same way even women are forbidden from being arrogant.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, (Arabic Verse)
"The worst women amongst you are those who display beauty and are arrogant”
This means those who are blinded with arrogance and consider themselves to be great,
so you can see that a trait disliked by Allah,
which is also disliked by Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him)
and declared to be the worst trait.
What can a person achieve by acquiring such a trait?\NWhat goodness & blessings can come through such a trait!
And especially when we know that the last recompense for such a person is also very frightening.
As another Hadith tells us that on the day of judgement, the people who are arrogant will be raised up in the form of ants.
Their face would be seen but their shape and size would be like ants
and every low thing will be higher than them
This means that they will be made lowest of the low.
It is essential to understand here that how does a person realize if his heart is empty of pride?
We come to learn from the Hadith that pride means to reject the truth
which means that a particular thing which is known to us as truth
For example, a person speaks to us while our own conscience testifies that he is telling the truth
but it is not being accepted just because it is being told by the other person.
And reject it in spite of knowing that it is truth.
The second proof of one being arrogant is that he considers others to be low
and himself to be best.
So when the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave evidences of pride, a man asked,
"O messenger of Allah! A person desires that his clothes be very good, and his shoes to be beautiful”
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Verily, Allah is beautiful and loves beauty.
Arrogance is to turn away from others (out of pride) and consider them to be lower”
Thus we come to know from this,
Not to give importance to others and consider others to be lower than us
is an act that is disliked.
And not only that it is disliked but it creates difficulties in the life of the person,
spoils relations with others.
And when relations are spoiled, the person becomes lonely in a real sense.
No matter how great is a person
but if there is nobody to love him,
nobody to share his pain and grief,
nobody as his well-wisher,
and then what does a person achieve in such boastful greatness!\NOr what benefit can it serve him?
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"It is enough for a person to be evil that he boasts about himself before his Muslim brother”
This shows that in reality, a person who considers himself to be greater than others is actually lower than them.
Such a trait in a person is seen in a variety of ways
For example, arrogance in his way of eating,
sitting, standing, walking, it is also evident in his conversation, his style, in his eyes, in his body language.
Because many a times a person says "I don't have any status” or "I am a big sinner”
but his attitude is quite contradictory to his claim.
Therefore such things should be taken care of, because if there is humbleness and gentleness in a person
then his style of living changes, his behavior and tone of speaking also changes.
His way of dealing with people changes, he feels the pain and grief of others and rushes to help them.
You can see that when a husband and wife enjoy togetherness but if there is an issue of ego or pride between them,
Then they cannot understand each others pain, grief and difficulties.
and even if they understand but do not go ahead and help each other.
The purpose of Nikah that is explained in the Qur’an,
that it is amongst the sign of Allah and Allah has created affection and mercy between you.
It is also mentioned in one of the Hadith that there is nothing better than marriage between two people who love each other.
But the very purpose of marriage gets faded away
if there is no mutual love & affection between the spouses, if there is no mercy or concern for each other.
And ego is a fatal poison for this happiness.
Therefore a person should be very careful with regards to this.
Sometimes it also happens that a person boasts about his family,
even girls after getting married, keep on talking proudly about her family and her elders.
And then in the same way, similar response comes up from the other side
when the other person too boasts about his elders, seniors and family
and it is through that they throw boastful attitude upon others.
As a popular saying goes, "My father was an emperor”\Nbut in reality the person should see himself
As the Qur’an says, (Arabic Verse)
"That was a generation that has passed away and they will get the fruits of what they did and you will get the fruits of what you do”
Therefore no person is valued on the basis of the position of his parents,
but it will be seen what standing does he have and what has he done and his is behavior towards others.
And in the same way, sometimes if there are some drawbacks during marriage ceremony it leads to the point of divorce.
Also, display of ego and pride during certain situations
like passing the Iddah, or at times
after the passing of iddah and going for second marriage to show that there is a lot of evil in our society.
We find a Hadith with regards to this, Mauqil bin Yasar says that his sister was married to a man
who divorced her and stayed separately from her for a long time
and even the iddah had passed.
Then he realized that they should rejoin. So he sent a marriage proposal to the same lady.
He did not have any ego so he changed his decision.
It happened that the brother of the lady interfered.
He said that how it could be possible now when you had a power to take her back you did not
and now you are sending a marriage proposal!
Then Allah revealed a verse instructing that
(Arabic Verse)
"When you divorce a woman, and if she wants to remarry her spouse after her iddah, do not stop them”
The Prophet (peace be upon him) called them and informed them about this verse.
The brother let go his stubbornness and instantly obeyed the command of Allah.
Thus in order to end up his ego problem,
a person should keep before him the commands of Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him)
and obey them and try to live according to them.
As we see in the life of Abu Bakr, (Allah be pleased with him)
when his daughter was Aisha was accused,
he not only forgave the accusers but increased the charity that he was given.
And said, "I wish Allah too should forgive me as well”
and he kept his feelings and his emotions aside and bowed before the command of Allah.
Our marriage lives can be happy only if we are ready to accept the truth
when we value other people
When we stop making small issues a subject of our ego.
We should not say, "I have decided”, or "I have given my final word” or "I don’t want to talk about it anymore”
These types of stubbornness lead a person to huge losses.
We pray to Allah that He softens our hearts where others can be accommodated too
and along with our own views and we are able to consider the viewpoints of others with His guidance.
May Allah reward you with goodness
I would like to ask you, that when those girls who are getting married,
they have a fear while trying to adjust with a new family
Sometimes she stays alone with her husband and sometimes with extended families.
These girls receive a lot of advice from their mothers
and some of those advice include in form of past agonies and suffering.
"I have suffered a lot in my life so you be careful and put your foot down”
and it is full emotions like pride and ego
Now that girl realizes that she should not do such things
but she gets pressed up between the two
On one hand it is her mother who is insisting and other hand it is her new house where she has to adjust.
So how can she keep herself stable and take correct decisions?
A wise girl is the one who does not make her decisions under the influence of others, whoever it may be
For a Believer, the real parameter to accept or reject something
is to see what is the command of Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him)
And she submits to their command, leaving behind her wishes and views
Our Deen teaches us that
a woman should not even listen to her parents when the matter is concerned about her husband
Even though if she finds their suggestions to be very pleasing
yet after marriage she has to put her husband and her family on her top priority
and should check whichever is going to benefit her.
The way the relations between a husband and a wife is compared
to a garment and each one of them is supposed to cover the faults and weakness of the other.
That is why, firstly she should not even share her domestic matters with her own mother unless
it is a big issue which she cannot handle herself or
Or an atrocity beyond her capacity to bear. In such matters she should surely take the help of others
but reporting every small thing and troubling parents or following their advice in each and every matter
They don’t stay with her but their guidance is based upon their experience.
In fact every issue has a different perspective
and it is not necessary that whatever experiences her parents have found to be beneficial could be repeated even in the children
Now a days times and situation have changed and today's children have their own views and stand.
That is why a person should use his own mind in such matters,
whether it is some friend, relative or even her own parents.
The person should first see
1. What is the command of Allah and His Messenger?
2. What are the things practically applicable to make her own home safe and happy
and she should pick up only those things, instead of picking up suggestions randomly
thinking that my parents will always be right and it is not necessary that all their suggestions are always correct.
They are also human and can err
Therefore the efforts should be least involvement from them in her domestic matters.
Yes, parents too get sentimental at times, they too can be sensitive.
Secondly, if their suggestions are sought then those suggestions should be taken which can save the family,
and avoid those advice which are full of egoistic inclinations.
Doesn't it happen that Shaytaan tries to put in only those qualities in a person
that makes him happy in breaking the unit of a family?
And as you were saying, if we control our ego and let go
but there are a disputes between some husbands and wife with regards to equality
and rights claiming that both have equal rights
But when Allah has appointed man as Qawwam (maintainer), He has given him a degree of seniority.
And because He has given a degree of seniority, if a wife acknowledges this seniority and approaches in a humble way
then the system cannot be challenged as they say there cannot be two rulers of one country
And as you were saying that the wife is the queen of the house and the daughter in law would be, I feel, a princess
But when the ego of the man is hurt and the status of seniority is rejected
In case if the wife is more in knowledge, wealth and family status
and due to this if she keeps hurting her husband's ego then I think this spoils the situation more.
Yes, you can observe who runs into more loss in such a case.
When a person adopts stubbornness and refuses to give up
But where does it lead the person to? What is the end result?
On the other hand, if the person adopts humbleness, gentleness as the Hadith says
(Arabic Hadith)
that whoever humbles himself for the sake of Allah, then Allah will give him a lofty status.
Sometimes, confessing your mistake before someone is very difficult and accepting one's mistake is the most difficult task in the world.
But if the person accepts his mistake, for the sake of Allah,
the blissful fruits that results will be enjoyed by him.
Therefore a person should not consider it a hurdle
to be humble or accept anything or forsaking arguments
and do not fall into disputes because he will be benefiting a lot.
Establishing a home is very important.
Thus when a girl and a boy get married
then it is the duty of everyone to try to keep it maintained established.
Because it is only through it, that peace spreads in the society.
Definitely, it is very important for a person to learn how to maintain.
Which means he should be firmly deciding and learn that, "I have to build my home”
and he should make whatever sacrifice is required for it.
I would like to ask you one more thing,
supposed there is a girl who is married and her mother in law stays with her, permanently or for a short duration
And quite obviously the mother in law must be having a vast experience
she wants to teach the girl and wants to correct her too.
but it is evident that she fears things turning into an egoist issue or a matter of pride
In that case how should that mother in-law strike the balance in conversing properly with her daughter in law
while being careful about her or the girl's ego to come in between
In reality, most of such negative emotions can be ended by the method of the approach of the person.
I understand that in such relations, before teaching anything,
the first thing is to build confidence
and make the other person realize that you are her well-wisher
and understand your love and consider a home as home
Only after that, whatever difference of opinions arises
or exchanging experience and knowledge with each other will be easy to be sorted out
This is because until the person does not connect his benefits and loss in any matter, he cannot get along.
We have seen that whenever there arises any matter related to Religion or a new relation
we just rush to start with 'dos and don’ts’
"This is the norm of our house” and "This is how it works in our house”
Such things offends the newly arrived person right from the beginning and becomes fearful
As you said that first it is essential to build confidence
and affection should be showered so first we should be the one to give
and then when we keep on giving her only then she will realize that this is my own home
Then you can show her few of the rules of the family which becomes easy for her to adjust with
and this needs time
But we are in hurry that now that the daughter in law has come, she should understand all her duties just in two months
And as they say that she should be familiar with everything from kitchen to bedroom.
Surely, she must be given space and time, gradually, by waiting patiently
Thus slowly and gradually things will be alright Insha’Allah.
But one needs to be given enough time for it.
People should consider a newly arrived daughter in law
as a small sapling that we bring from nursery and put it in soil.
It takes time for its roots to be firm and stems to grow strong
And in the beginning even though you provide water yet it gets weak and sometimes it appears that it won't grow at all.
But when you are consistently taking care then it gives new leaves and a day comes when it bears fruits
But the entire time has to be full of patience therefore sabr is very essential.
At times there is a tug of war of ego and pride
when the issue of children pops up
The husband wants the bringing up in one way whereas the wife wants it in another way
and whoever wins the battle at that time, though for a little time,
And something goes wrong, for example admitting them to a school or the results of the children did not turn as expected
then the second party constantly reminds the first by remarks "Didn't I say”?
These fights happen right before the eyes of the children
and the children to get divided and their upbringing does not take place in a good way
How can such issues be sorted out because a lot of couples and many homes are a victim of it.
During such times one should think that whatever has happened, has happened,
whether the mistake was of A or B it is not relevant and
Instead of satisfying one's ego, with statements like, "I am proved to be right” or "My word has been approved” a solution should be looked for
What difference does it make even if one of them is proved to be right? And will you still keep on proving yourself?
And thus quarrels between parents is causing harm to their own child's prospect and depriving him from a good upbringing as well.
And it is better that they learn from their past mistakes and make better decisions.
It is seen that many a times the elders of the family show more egoist behavior and are difficult to approach,
so much so that people even fear to talk or reason with them.
and at times it is very evident that they are taking a wrong decision
And because nobody can overrule them, there is wide gap
and at times the youth do not accept the decisions of the elders.
No decisions should be one sided
and sometimes ego arises from the side of the elders and sometimes this evil comes from the side of the youth
And every person in the world has little or more of this
but if person is concerned about the end result of stubbornness and who will be benefited by it
only then a person can decide better for himself
Sometimes it can happen that a person gets worried before taking a decision fearing a big loss
# It can be an unseen fear too
So in such circumstances even if there is a fear of loss, yet it is a small loss as compared to
getting up and going away or pausing all mutual communications and do not talk about it at all.
And develop a cold attitude
or take up a resisting attitude claiming that "I do not agree with you at all”
and not willing to listen to them and allow them to do whatever they want to do.
It is never possible that two people living together can stay without any difference of opinions.
There will be differences but we should be matured enough
to stay together along with our differences
It means that we must know 'Difference Management 'and unity should be seen in spite of differences.
Our thoughts may differ as Allah has created men and women with a difference.
Both of them cannot think alike, women are very emotional in thinking while men think differently.
There is a difference in the thinking pattern of both
Sometimes it is due to age difference that elders have a different thinking while the youngsters think differently
Sometimes there are differences with children
which is quite normal and it has to be taken as a part of life.
Without this, life is not possible.
But a person should know how to live along with such differences
and it can be sorted out by agreeing to each others view sometimes
Sometime one of them should surrender and next time the other should surrender to the other persons view
This is how life can run.
But if each person starts pulling towards his views then the house cannot run.
There is a very common phrase uttered by women most of the time,
"when you have beauty, tenderness will follow”
Now days we keep on telling our daughters that she is very smart and intelligent and highly educated, talented, full of potential
But when she is married these appreciation remains in her head and she thinks too highly of herself
Whenever she sits with them she looks down upon them and talks ill about them before others in her personal gatherings
She keeps on criticizing her in-laws and her husband
How can such attitude be corrected?
Whoever does such things or teaches someone to do such things should think about
the end results of such actions and be concerned about the position of such actions before Allah
A Believer will always be aware that each of his actions are being recorded
and all his actions are being compiled in his book of deeds
without any small or big deed being left out
By doing such deeds a person cannot escape
Today you may have the liberty to speak whatever you want to speak or think whatever you want to
and adopt any attitude that you like but
The moment the angel of death appears, all this liberty will be snatched away and none of those things will be of any use to us
So, we may pass away our life trying to thump our superiority over others
but we must think about our future prospect too because we are answerable tomorrow
These issues are seen even among boys as well, after they get educated and reach a top post in job,
they do not value their parents
And when they start their married life and if their wife is like minded
then she too drags him towards career and stylish life
Then they do not want to meet their parents nor do they want to present their parents before others out of shame.
Such people should think how their life can be blessed if there is no guidance from elders,
Secondly the present stage which they are in will be passing away very soon
and tomorrow they will be in the same position where their parents are today.
Whatever they are doing to others, they will have to see the repetition by their own eyes in their lives.
Because harassing parents and dishonoring them is a sin which brings the punishment before the person dies.
As they say, as we sow so shall we reap.
Today if we don’t respect our parents
or show disrespect towards grandparents
then do you think the children will be able to show respect to us tomorrow?
Yes, they are watching our actions.
We do even realize how fast the time passes and we reach the same stage
and become a mother in law and expect our daughter in laws to respect us or welcome us
But then, one sees the result (of his past evil) in this world itself
This is such a materialistic age and children are so brand conscious
and we wish them to be safe from pride
And later they are very particular even about choosing friends and try to check out from which locality the person is from!
His house and his car is also a used as a parameter to check his status
Even his style of holding phone and speaking style including English accent and which brand of clothes he wears
How do we correct such minds that if right from childhood they develop such attitude
then it is quite obvious that there would be such issues even after marriage!
Truthfully such issues arises when a person gets away from Deen
and we forget our own status as to why are we in this world
and what are our duties as a Muslim?
What are our duties as a component of the Muslim community?
And where will be going tomorrow and what answers will we be giving?
Therefore, such attitude cannot be corrected or improved till people return back to the reality
and until we acknowledge the Greatness of Allah, the supreme authority and bow before him.
May Allah reward you with goodness
So viewers! We understand that this 'I’ feeds on self-glory like, I know a lot and I have lot of understanding
but the reality is that even Google does not understand everything
And we don’t even know on what basis we claim that we have excelled.
And these relationships do not die on their own but our attitude and behavior kills them
So if we want to save our families then we have to develop humbleness, tenderness
with a surety that my Lord is watching me and everything is being documented
and this life will pass away anyhow but
on the day of judgement when the scroll of our deeds will be opened up what difficulties would be waiting for us?
Therefore while living in this world if we save ourselves from such attitudes
then our homes will run very peacefully and our focus will be correct.
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings