Sadaqah Jariah
MBH QnA Corner
Your Questions - May, 2016

I don't like my wife, how to deal with these feelings?

Answered by: Shk Zafar ul Hasan
Translated by: Nisaar Nadiadwala

The brother has asked a question and I appreciate his approach for a mutual consultation as Allaah himself has said in the Qur'an that the Believers consult each other before deciding any action. It is also the responsibility of the one who is consulted that his advice should be in accordance to Qur'an and Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) has said that giving advice is also an Amanah (a trust).  My advice is as follows:

1) Whatever has happened has happened and it has not happened without the will of Allaah. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) has assured in a Hadith narrated by Abu Hurraira (may Allah be pleased with him), that whoever remains content with what Allaah has written in his destiny then Allaah will make him independent  of others in this world and hereafter. He also blesses him with a way out of crisis.

2) It is mentioned in Surah Nisa'a that if you dislike few things in your wife (it could be her looks or her nature) and you bear it with Sabr then Allah will provide  a lot of Khayr (goodness) to  you through her.

“If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.” Chapter 4, Verse 19

This verse gives a glad tiding of many Blessings for maintaining good ties with your wife inspite that you don't like few things in her but you are satisfied with her Deen. These Blessings could be a barakah in business or even good offspring through her. So keep your eyes firm on the assurance from Allah.

 3) Thirdly you must note that if your wife is doing her religious duties well and looks after your rights and upbringing of your children as well as performs her domestic duties too but you are not happy with her looks, size and shape as well as certain aspects of her manners then let me remind you a Sahih Hadith  about the three priorities that men look in women normally, her looks, her wealth and her lineage but if someone prefers  her Deen over all the three then his marriage will be successful.  This was a very precious advice which is applicable even today. So if you overlook all the three things that your wife does not possess but be satisfied with her Deen then the prayers of the Prophet is due upon you that your marriage will be blessed one, In sha Allaah.

4) Fourthly, if your interest in her does not arise then strive upon your nafs and try to make yourself happy with her because the above mentioned Qur'anic verse and Hadith. It is essential that person should focus on the good aspects of a person because such focus will hide the weakness of the other person.

Therefore I earnestly suggest you to overlook the human defects that you find in your wife and focus on her good traits. However if she has any defect in her religious duties then you must correct her while fulfilling her rights over you as a wife with immense interest in her. It is also advisable not to talk about her defects. A Sahih Hadith says whoever covers the fault of a Muslim, then Allah will cover his faults. So do not hurt her feelings by talking to her about her defects. It was a noble habit of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) that he used to appreciate his wives a lot. You too should apply this Sunnah and do not discuss about your wife's defects but highlight her good habits and traits.

In the sight of Allah it is the Taqwa that is important and not looks. I pray to Allah that he increase your affection and love in your heart.

After listening to the advice yet if you feel that you cannot get along with her nor find any love for her then as per the Qur’an says,

"Either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness" Chapter 2, Verse 229 i.e. He should either keep her with him and treat her with kindness, or let her go her own way with kindness, without infringing upon any of her rights

Thus Islam does not permit you to announce her defects and faults among people to justify your divorce as it is wajib to keep her honour intact either by keeping her or allowing her to go.