And among His signs is that He has created mates for you from yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them. And We have developed Affection and Mercy between you (both). Indeed in it, is a sign for a people who ponder. (Al-Rum, 31:21)
The above verse speaks volumes about husband-wife relations, in a bunch of words. The most important binding factor and one that preserves the love between the couples is loyalty and trustworthiness. Peace, tranquility and comfort can be established in the homes only when each of the spouses takes care of the other.
How Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) upheld her husband's temperament
Understanding each other's temperament is a factor that beautifies the marital life. Temperament includes, likes, dislikes, choices, dreams, visions, habits and other life styles. Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) used to get one day with her husband after waiting for nine days. This was because the Prophet (peace be upon him) had other wives too and one day was allotted to each of them. Consider how eagerly she must be counting the days while waiting for her turn!
One day while they were resting, the Prophet (peace be upon him) got up and pushed away his bed sheet saying, "Aisha leave me for sometime so that I can worship my Lord." She responded, "I would never like to let you go after waiting for so many days. As it is, your obligatory prayers are already offered and other routine is also done but I will like what you like. So you can pray." Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) adapted to her husband's choice and their home was a peaceful one.
So that you can find 'Solace" in her
Now read the above verse again and note the purpose of a wife in a man's life, "So that you may find solace in her." When a man returns home, mentally and physically exhausted after a day's work, he hopes for comfort in his home.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "The best wife is the one, whose husband gets freshen up the moment he sees her warmly welcoming him at home."
The two powerful terms 'Mawaddah' and 'Rahmah'
If you study the title verse mentioned above, carefully, you will realise that there are two other bounties of Allah mentioned in the marital life. Mawaddah and Rahmah are the two terms that reflects why couples manage to stay together for decades and continue loving each other. Mawaddah is derived from the root word 'Wadda' which denotes extreme affection and care, where as 'Rahmah' is the Mercy that makes one feel the pain of each other's troubles and holding a caring nature towards each other.
Mawaddah covers a lot of emotional comfort. The wives serves her husband, takes care of him and his house. Similarly a husband too provides a lot of affection to his wife and he provides her home and meets her expenses. Love is not enough to bind the loving couple but affection and mercy are equally vital and essential in a family life.
In this verse there are 'Signs of Allah' for the people who use their common sense
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "There is no match in love between two persons like the love of a husband and a wife."
There are many types of pairs in the world who love and care for each other. But after few days, the love fades away and at times it turns into bitter enmity too. But in the case of the husband and wife, no matter how many times they fight each day but still the love stands intact and firm and soon they patch up and get together. The above verse ends with a reminder, "In this verse there are signs for the people who use their common sense." Signs of Allah also denotes 'Obligations of Allah'.
Sacrificing your own needs and desire for your spouse is true love and affection
It had been years that Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her ) had died yet the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to recall her very fondly. Once Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) said, " O Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), you have younger and beautiful wives yet you cannot forget that old lady!"
The Prophet (peace be upon him) got upset with her remark and said, "Aisha, never reprimand me with regards to Khadijah. Do you know why I am so fond of my Khadijah? She believed in me when people rejected me. When people called me a liar, my Khadijah testified my truthfulness. When I was boycotted by the people of Makkah, it was her entire wealth that Khadijah presented to me to spend. Allah gave me all of my children through Khadijah. How can I forget Khadijah?" ( Musnad e Ahmed)
Both, the husband and wife, should be willingly ready to sacrifice their own needs and desire for the sake of other. A truly loving wife will take care of her husband's likes, dislikes, visions and taste which will make her a wife who will never be erased from her husband's heart. Similarly, a good husband too takes care of his wife when she is sick, or feeling low and down then such homes will be full of peace and tranquility.
Good marital life results in good parenting
Parents are the earliest teachers of children. They observe their parent's behavior and listen to their way of conversing and imitate it. The way Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) showered love, care and co operation with her husband, her daughter Zainub (Allah be pleased with her) too displayed her love with the same spirit in her marital life. Zaynub (Allah be pleased with her) was married to Abu Al-Aas. The marriage took place before the prophet hood. Her husband was her maternal cousin and he did not embraced Islam when the prophet hood was announced. At that time marriage with a Non Muslim was not yet prohibited so the Prophet (peace be upon him) allowed his daughter to stay with him.
Abu Al-Aas participated in the battle of Badr along the side of the enemies of Muslim and he was among the seventy war captives who were arrested in the battle. The Prophet (peace be upon him) spotted his own son in law among the captives. After mutual consultation it was decided that each captive should pay money for his release. The term is 'Fidya'. As the news reached Makkah, the relatives of the captives started collecting money to set their people free. Zainub (Allah be pleased with her) too started to collect money for her husband's freedom but she ran short of money. She had a necklace that was gifted by her mother Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) during her wedding. Out of love for her husband she offered the necklace as a Fidya.
Upon seeing the necklace of his beloved wife Khadijah, the Prophet (peace be upon him) got nostalgic and emotional. With tears in his eyes, he told his companions that the necklace was among the last memory of his beloved wife and asked if he can return back the necklace to his daughter and they all willingly agreed to anything that pleased their Prophet (peace be upon him).
Watch your own words, actions and habits at home in dealing with your spouse because…
Among many lessons in this incident, the most important is that a child loves to be affectionate from his and her parents. Zaynub (Allah be pleased with her) had seen how her mother had sacrificed her wealth and health to meet her husband's need so she too turned out to be a very good wife.
A son observes and studies lessons of behavior from his father's treatment towards his mother and he grows up treating his wife in the same way. A daughter learns lessons of behavior from her mother and grows up treating her husband the same way. Therefore watch your own words, actions and habits at home in dealing with your spouse. Such lessons in character building are learnt by the children after observing and studying their parents for years.
Do not condemn, abuse or hit your wives with hands or harsh words
Muawiya bin Haida (Allah be pleased with him) narrates, " The Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked, "We are all married, kindly inform us what are the rights of our wives upon us.?" He replied in a very gentle manner, "Feed her what you eat, dress her (of quality) what you dress for yourself and never slap on her face, never abuse her and if you reprimand her then keep her away from your bed but do not drive her out of the house." (Tirmidhi)
Today it is unfortunate that some of us slap on the face of their wives. In fact according to a Hadith, "Allah has made the face of a person with His own hands." Therefore one must not hit on the face. People even abuse and curse their wives when angry and it is not allowed in Islam. There are men who taunt the looks, shape and size of their wives. Some openly condemn their wives for being overweight. The wife in your destiny is provided by Allah so condemning her is condemning Allah's decision.
In case of a quarrel, it is not advisable to drive a wife out of the house nor should the husband leave the house but rather stay together and in the same room with a separation of bed for time being (because there is a chance for reconciliation in that case).
Do don’t try to straighten the crooked rib
Your wives are made from the rib and ribs are crooked, so do not be harsh to make it straight or else it will break therefore treat with her gently. (Ibn Hibban)
The word Gently in the above Hadith indicates pardoning, kindness and tolerance towards one's wife. Whoever deals gently with his wife will find peace, solace and tranquility in his life.
Loyalty is a condition for Peace and Tranquility in our homes
There are men who chat on internet with non Mahram till late nights and by chance the texts fall in the hands of wife, they will start defending themselves but little do they realise how much psychological and emotional harm have they caused by generating insecurity in the hearts of their wives when they fall into affair. This is an epidemic widely spreading in our society and causing volcanic troubles in homes. It is disloyalty on the part of men and it is disloyalty towards Allah too because they have solemnised their Nikah according to the law of Allah. The Qur'an insists to the believing men that they should be loyal to their wives because, "You have taken an oath of loyalty" Marriage is a contract as per the Islamic law and loyalty towards the spouse is one of the clauses. Therefore it is haram to ignore your wife who is your legal partner and roam around other females who are not your legal wives and such acts will have to be answered on the day of Qiyamah.
Enter the Paradise from any of the eight gates your wish!
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, " If a woman offers her prayers regularly and punctually, keeps fasts in the month of Ramadhan, protects her chastity and becomes obedient to her husband then she will be told to enter Jannah from any of the gates of her choice. It is a big honour to be invited to enter Jannah from any of the gates she wishes to. It is not difficult if a lady wants to achieve it.
It is fortunate to be such a wife and fortunate to have such a wife.
It’s time to introspect and upgrade your Appreciation skills ( Suggested to think aloud so that your spouse hears and knows about it too):
- List three things that your spouse likes very much ( it could be anything, a passion he harbours or a dish he loves or place he loves to visit)
- ……………………………………………..
- …………………………………………….
- …………………………………………….
- Have you ever noticed some wonderful things in your spouse’s character or habits? If yes then put it here and if no then it’s time to look for, and pick the three most appealing ones and list them:
- ………………………………………….
- ………………………………………….
- …………………………………………..
Recall and acknowledge when your spouse did some sacrifice for you. If you have forgotten to thank him/her, grab the opportunity now and sprinkle it with your lovely words